| (no subject) |
[Jul. 1st, 2005|10:46 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  iffy | ] |
What in God's name is wrong with me!?
I broke down at work...I broke down last night when I got of the phone, if my will was not as strong as it is I would have broken down about five minutes ago, this afternoon, this morning, yesterday on the phone, last night during dinner...
I do not know what is going on. The little things are making htings go wrong. I know that this afternoon when I was at work if I had not been getting off work in an hour they would have sent me home early. They kept asking if I was alright, if I wanted something to eat, if I needed to go to the back office, if I needed to talk about anything. All I could do was shake my head, I did not even know what they had said or what my response was until I thought about it later on while I was in the car. I do not know what is going on...everything is going wrong...
I hate this and I cannot stand this. Everytime I try to talk to him I feel a little stab in my heart/side because I know that things will never be thesame and that I can never have the relationship I had with him before. Not even as friends because I know that he has a hard time dealing with it. I know that if I were to talk to him like I would a friend or if were to tell him all that I need to talk to anyone about..it would only hurt him or he would simply say that he knew it because of an assumption he may have already had...
*sighs* I am making little to know sense, and I apologize. I have people in the room and I am speaking with them so it is hard to type. *waves* good bye. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jun. 29th, 2005|10:18 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  confused & lost ... | ] |
I do not know why I am posting. I have nothing at all to say. Everything is fuzzy and blurred. I guess I should have been a bit more careful with myself. I was not prepared at all. I left a hole opened and you jumped right in. I have a feeling you did not do it on purpose and therefore I hold nothing against you. (so no worries.) I was not expecting it. And I should blame myself for not thinking of everything.
I have been doing that a lot lately. I have been nothing more than a large disappointment to myself as of late. And the only thing that I can say that I have done a good job at is holding up the front of nothing being wrong. I wonder how well that will hold out with him. I doubt I will see him before Sunday and I hope that by then I will have everything straightened out by then so he will not get the chance to see that something is wrong.
I will shut up now. Everything is so messed up and I apologize if this makes no sense to any of you. *gives a humble bow and disappears* |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jun. 27th, 2005|07:53 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | confusingly thoughtful | ] |
Quick question...do I have "I'm lovable, so say you love me" written on my forehead somewhere? If I do, please let me know because that would explain why three different males with no relation to myself have told me that they loved me (among other things) in the past two months....
:-/ -sighs-
It upsets me, I do not like being cared about, I do not like people to want to be with me (not that I want them to avoid me either..), gah! I do not know...-sighs- Damn.... |
|
|
| I know I no longer have the right to be angry with you over such things, but you know what? I am... |
[Jun. 26th, 2005|02:30 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | not happy... | ] |
I do not want to talk to you. You have upset me, disappointed me, and I have a bad feeling that you have somehow (or will) hurt me. I thought you were better than that and I know deep down you are. Yes, I know this should not be a public thing typed up on a computer screen, but quite frankly I do not give a damn. I want everything to work. I want to eventually be able to be with you, once I, myself, am strong enough to do so. I know that by that time you may have moved on, and that is quite alright. You are allowed and I have no claims on you. But I do not see this working out, neither now nor in the near future. For a while there I thought I could see it. I thought that things could work, but I do not anymore.
Yes, I am probably overreacting. No, I do not care if you think that I am. Yes, I am highly upset. And, no, I do not know what all was said and done and will probably never know. But for some reason, beyond my own understanding I am utterly upset with you.
And I just thought you should know that.
I just would like to know, what in the hell were you thinking? |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jun. 19th, 2005|10:44 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | blank | ] |
My own slighly modified version of SuperChic[k]'s "Bowling Ball"
Maybe she'll change
Maybe things will get better
Maybe it would be nice
If she wouldn't always put you down
Maybe things will work out
But maybe they'll never
And I think that you've given her
The benefit of the doubt
Chorus:
You need this girl like a bowling ball dropped on your head
Which means not at all
You have too much to give to live to waste your time on her
You need this girl like a bowling ball dropped on your head
Which means not at all
You have too much to give to live to waste your time on her
Maybe she'll change
If you could be better
But maybe it's not your fault
She's checking out the waiter now
But someday you'll change
One day you're stronger
And you will have changed enough
And it's time to get out
Chorus
You have too much to give to live to waste your time on me
Chorus
( Actual lyrics (not that it matters) ) |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jun. 14th, 2005|10:13 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  guilty | ] |
| [ | music |
| | .... | ] |
All these miles, haunting questions linger in my mind.
And all the while, making bad decisions out of line.
Still I've tried, to let go of the danger in my life.
It's alright, when that's the only thing I've left behind.
And there's still time...
At this time, I'm counting all the reasons I should stay.
Bottom line. I'm missing all the things I gave away.
I remind, and see your face every single day.
Still I'm blind. I wish that there was something I could say
To make things right...
Just hold on a little bit longer.
Thoughts and memories will be enough
My need for you is only growing stronger.
I know you don't understand it much
But it doesn't mean I have to care about you any less
It doesn't have a thing to do with that.
There's still so many questions that are gonna' be addressed
I'm sorry that it had to be like this.
But there's still time to make things right.
Wait for me. There's so much more of life for us to see.
You must believe, it's not because of you I've had to leave.
Wait for me. I only hope that you'll remember me. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jun. 13th, 2005|10:30 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  disappointedly pissed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Major Payne | ] |
Fuck.Shit.Damn.
There! You happy yet?! Are you fucking happy now...I've done it, I've admitted to it...just go away!
If you're only going to be around half the time...then don't bother...it'd make life so much simpler for all of us...especially me...Cunt...
( Unless you feel like reading a rant, don't bother )
......sorry for the ranting...everythings going so wrong right now...all I wanted was someone to talk to, someone to speak with....nothing.....if you tried I apologize for jumping to conclusions. If you were too busy...it should have been expected. If you forgot...typical... |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jun. 7th, 2005|02:08 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  hopeful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Mudvayne "Happy" | ] |
Oi!
Hello, how is everyone this lovely day? Grawr!
Yes...things have been going as expected but it is quite alright. Because my main problem for the past couple of weeks is gone. Yes! I know longer have to worry about it. I have given it to someone else to deal with, and He is much more qualified to deal with it anyway. So that make me happy.
For those of you her are wondering what my problem was, read my previous entries. O_o Yes, I know. "How do you give your guy troubles to someone else? Especially another guy!" Well, the "guy" I have given my problem to goes by the name of God. And it was the easiest thing I have ever done in my life. I just asked him to deal with it and I have full confidence that he will.
If you are wondering how this came about I shall tell you:
I was reading a part of a Christian based book the other night and in it, there was a verse (or something) that said if you are to give yourself fully to God, you need to give him all of your problems, The book said it does not matter how big or great the problem is, if you call on him, he will help you. The same thing goes with questions. If you have a question for him ask and he will answer. So now all I am doing is waiting for that answer.
*jumps out of a window and runs away screaming 'good bye'*
P.S. I know this all sounds highly childish, and it is a bit scattered and not written down properly. If you have any questions e-mail me. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jun. 4th, 2005|04:02 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | lost | ] |
| [ | music |
| | The squeaking of the bed | ] |
I know I could post somewhere else, but I would much rather post in here. And only the people I care about read this anyway.
Yeah, talked to my mother today for the first time in over a week. She seems to be doing well. She has skeletons in her closet and my present gaurdian is helping her and I to work through them. Her and I have come up with a compromise (with the help of my gaurdian) and if everything works out with her then I only have to pay for insurance and I can get my car back.
I am anxious for what is going to happen with all of this. And I am having a hard time tricking myself into believing that I am fine with all of this. I thought that I had been dealing with my mother and my latest "infatuation" well. But last night I have found that my inner self was failing miserabley at making me believe I was handling all of this.
Last night I had just finished praying when a thought haunted my mind and followed it into the dream world. I had a dream last night about my mother and in this dream her and I got into an all out brawl. My dream self helped my concious self (inavertanley) to hit head on with my skeletons and my problems. I had hoped to have the ability to type to you and put into words everything I am feeling, my doubts, my fears. And I wish now more than ever I had one person, just one, that I could just sit and talk to. I need someone right now. (And those who know me, know the pride I just had to swallow to admit that.) I am having a hard time dealing with all of this and the only comfort I have right now is knowing that God will always be here to watch over me and catch me when I fall, all I have to do is ask...But still, I need another person. Just one that I can talk to openly with, one who...-shrugs- I need to get going. I have stuff to do. |
|
|
| A sad pathetic post... |
[May. 30th, 2005|08:59 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  fucked up | ] |
| [ | music |
| | UPN | ] |
I am highly pathetic, I have spent the last few weeks thinking about one person. I cannot get him out of my mind no matter how hard, or how little, I try he will not leave. He haunts my dreams, my last memories of being at home...everything. I know I should get rid of him...get him out of my head and make the thoughts leave. He does not want me.. He has better things to do than deal with a kid. He is nine years my senior and should not want to be with me. Besides that, he has a girl...whatever her name may be...
-smacks self- Damn, I'm pathetic...
I need to get going....I am just I would rather not talk about this shit anymore. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[May. 24th, 2005|06:19 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | lost and confused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Many things but the most influential: Bush - "Glycerine" | ] |
I post in here for a few reasons:
1. I have not posted in a really long time.
2. I am not sure who I could talk to about this.
3. I am not even sure how much sense this is all going to make.
( A bit a history )
This is still speaking of Sunday...just this is when the main reason of my post starts so it gets to live in it's own special cut
( REST OF SUNDAY )
MONDAY:
I woke up monday at five and Mother talked to me for a little bit about things and half apologized for being the way she had been for a while. She went back to bed and I took a shower. She woke up and got ready for work, letting me know that I needed to get the house cleaned (with my sister's help) because it looked like "a bunch of niggers lived here" (in the infamous words of my mother) So when she left for work at seven I cleaned until about ten. I sat down and turned a movie on, Empire Records, taking a minute or two to relax before I changed into an actually shirt. (I had been running around in a tank top type thing because I had been cleaning.) As I got up to go change my shirt the doorbell rang and my magician friend was there. I invited him in and decided the shirt I was wearing was alright so we sat and watched the movie together. My sister woke up and joined us. He laughed and commented on her morning coffee being a crack rock; she was still half asleep and was not as active as she had been the previous night. She glared at him and made cereal for herself and as soon as the sugar kicked in she was back to her active self. *shudders* After the movie was over, he saw that we had Once Upon A Time In Mexico and wondered if I would mind watching it. I told him I had never seen it, so he put it in and we watched it. It was a really good movie. After the movie was over my sister was becoming a nuisance so he and I went back to my room where we talked some more and things were going along quite well. Lowe called around one and was quite bored so I gave Chase a call and he went to go pick Lowe up and the two of them came over. I thought it would be a bit awkward to have both Chase and the magician in the same room with each other, seeing as how Chase is my ex..but things seemed to have gone by quite well. After an hour Chase left to go do some stuff and then the magician had to leave to go finish packing for yesterday was his last day in town. Lowe and I went to FAW's house and we hung out for a little while. Lowe and I got hungry so we came back home and it was past time for my mother to be home. I called her and found she had been out with friends and was drinking. Lowe and I made food and ate. Mother came home and the three of us watched Empire Records (yes, again) it was a funny movie and we quite enjoyed it. Lowe had never seen Dragonfly so Mother put it on in her room and Lowe, my sister, Mother, and I began watching it. A few minutes into the movie the phone rang and Chase called asking if he could come over. I said yes and the two of us went into the living room to talk some more stuff out. The things we had to talk about made me feel like shit for having taken his heart and crushing it...(Or atleast that what it seems like I have done). I was in tears when he left and I thank the Lord that Lowe stayed the night or else I may have fallen asleep crying... He kept asking if there was anything else I wanted/needed to say and the only thing I could think of saying was that I wanted *insert name here* Which I knew better than to say because it would not have made anything better...
I feel horrible...like some really sick, twisted person for being able to move on like this and be able to feel this way about someone other than him... I do believe I loved him but I do not believe I had the right definition for the love that I felt for him...because it never changed. Not even now..I just... I do not know. I still care about him and all. I just do not have those feelings for him anymore. But that is not my main reason for feeling guilty so I shall back off of that for now...
I feel guilty because I am falling for this guy.. my magician friend... I am falling harder and faster than I ever thought possible. Quicker than I ever did with anyone else. And it makes me feel like shit to know that I can be running down this road of pure ecstasy while he cannot let go and I can not help but feel it is my fault...
-sighs- I shall talk more later, maybe. For I have been yapping for close to three hours now and my hands are getting tired... |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Apr. 9th, 2005|08:32 pm] |
Love to be beside you, the way you smell
The way your lips feel and your fingernails.
The way your fingers crawl up my spine,
The way you always make me the last in line.
I carry the weight of the world as the past is unfurled, but I won't stop to
wonder.
Going through this life on my own made me as cold as a stone; I'm a ship going
under.
And I'd tell you this, but I don't know how.
I'm caving in and I'm falling out
And I can't resist and I can't rebound
with the weight of the world as the world falls down.
It's the way you thrill me, then pull away.
The way you seem to kill me a little more each day.
And it's what you're thinking in your twisted mind
The way your body trembles when it's next to mine.
I carry the weight of the world as the past is unfurled, but I won't stop to
wonder.
Going through this life on my own made me as cold as a stone; I'm a ship going
under.
And I'd tell you this, but I don't know how.
I'm caving in and I'm falling out
And I can't resist and I can't rebound
with the weight of the world as the world falls down.
This pain I think about it everyday,
it tells me I'm never gonna get away.
I know it's over, but I can't escape
memories and how to face another day.
Something like that...just a few modifications, but I don't feel like it at the moment... So you figure it out. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jan. 28th, 2005|10:44 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  Blarf | ] |
What color are you? (Anime Pictures)
brought to you by Quizilla
You are the chinese element of Water. People who
are under the element of Water are creative,
independent and intelligent. Water you are a
dreamer, but are quite vulnerable, and have
hidden agendas. The color of water is black,
and your symbol is the tortoise. Winter is the
season in which Water shines and it's months
are October/November. Your weather condition
is cold. Water is the direction of north, and
your day is Wednesday, while your planet is
Mercury. Animals under your element are
usually shelled. People under you are Turks.
Your sense is hearing, your taste is salty,
your sound is moaning and your virtue is
knowledge. Your organs are the kidneys. You
were created by Metal and control Fire.
Which of the 5 Chinese Elements Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
You're taffy!! You're a clever and kind person,
but you tend to hold grudges. You are not big
on dishing out forgiveness.
Which kind of candy are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
You're Most Like The Season Autumn ...
You're warm, and the most approachable. You have
that gentle prescence about you. People can
relate to you, and find you easy company.
However it's likely you've been hurt in the
past and it has left you scarred so things can
become rather chilly with you at times. Being
the third Season in, you're mature, trustworthy
and loyal to your friends but prone to
depression and negative thinking.
Well done... You're the shy and sensitive season :)
?? Which Season Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla
I bow to you!
J-rock quiz - Are you Jrock?
brought to you by Quizilla
-laughs- Yeah right...
Goddess of Wind, calm and cool and under control.
You don't like getting personal with too many
people.
What element would you rein over? (For Girls)
brought to you by Quizilla
You are Corruptive!
Which Stereotypical CLAMP emotion are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
Peace. You Truly Desire Peace. Just relaxing
somewhere calm with a light breeze against your
cheecks is our ideal of pefect. You don't like
to start fights, but instead, end them without
using violence.
PLEASE RATE
What Do You Truly Desire? *PICS*
brought to you by Quizilla
Dark shadow. Something has drawn you into darkness
in the past, and you're now trying to get out
of it. The darkness is already inside you, and
getting it out will be hard, but if you try,
maybe one day you can be who you want to be
again. Don't give in!!!
Please rate ^^
What kind of dark person are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
I know I have not been updating very much. But there has been a lot of things going on that I would rather not discuss right now. But I did atleast put some time into this entry. (Maybe not effort, but definitely time.) And there it is for those of you that actually read this.
|
|
|
| (Mind you this post isn't mad..but sad) |
[Nov. 16th, 2004|10:30 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | crushed | ] |
You know...I needed you this morning...I cried on your bed, infront of you. You didn't eve look up at me. I know it was silent and you probably didn't hear it...but -closes her eyes- it still hurts. You know? -sighs- It shouldn't. I know you didn't mean it, I know you didn't see. But...-sighs- I know I should tell you this face to face but this is the only way I'd get it out...but you knew that... I think. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Oct. 6th, 2004|04:17 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  disappointment in myself.... | ] |
| [ | music |
| | tic-toc tic-toc | ] |
Parents are so loving and caring....They are the most supportive people in the world....
For the longest time I have been without a teacher in one of my classes and struggling more in the other. My parents know this and I thought that mabye I would get some support out of them...I need to stop lieing to myself...
"Hey, Mom, good news...I have a see in my Trig class..."
"What about Chemistry..."
"72"
"That's only a 'D' you are better than that"
There was no try harder next time nothing like what my siblings get. There was no...well that's okay. No understanding do to the loss of a teacher. Nothing. Oh well. What am I suppose to expect..Right? I need to grow up and depend on me...only me.. *Shrugs* (Kinda pressed for time so this is a really short and really shitty entry..sorry) |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Sep. 28th, 2004|04:56 pm] |
I know, I have been seriously slacking in the updating department. But for good reason...okay not really. Anyway, This past weekend was so messed up...
I bled for someone other than my boyfriend saturday night. I am not even sure why I did it. I think I felt tied down, and yes, I understand that comes with a relationship, but I supposedly have a free spirt (friends words, not mine) which explains it. Am I using this as an excuse no. Why am I telling the whole world this? Because, I have to tell someone. The world should know how good of a person my boyfriend is for keeping me around even after all the stuff I have pulled the last few days. Very soon I will be updating a story on my life and a few friends' lives. Some of the things have been changed and I will tell you what is real and what I and my friend came up with all by ourselves. ;) good bye for now, to those who care, and if you do not...well then fuck your the monkey of your mother. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Sep. 8th, 2004|05:36 pm] |
The feelings she hide
The dreams she can't find
Loosing her mind
Falling behind
Can't find her place
Loosing her faith
Fallen from grace
All over the place
Lost inside...Every one wants to know what's wrong...there are your answers...
Everyone says crying helps..but what if you have done that every night since Saturday? What if now when you cry it doesn' help at all...all it does is make you feel worse, like pathetic worthless shit for crying because of nothing? What's worse is that I know there is something wrong..I know it...but I can't, I don't know what it is.
I should be happy, here I lie on my boyfriend's bed listening to his voice for the first time in a few days...And I watch as a single tear falls from each eye out of sadness...sadness so great that it's literally crushing my heart...It feel very similar to the pain I felt when I first broke up with my boyfriend. But I have no idea why I feel this way. I shouldn't. Nothing is this bad in my life...absolutley nothing...or atleast I can't find anything other than the shit that happens every day, or almost everyday...
I apologize for still not answering your questions...I would if I could...You know this right? *shakes head*
Good bye says Daemon |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Aug. 1st, 2004|01:40 am] |
|
Alright, look I'm sorry for not telling you sooner, but I wasn't all too sure about it myself. Now I am, I part of the reason my mind has flipped so many chanels so quickly, and why it has been distracting me, is because I don't want to admit that I miss my ex... I really do miss him, it hurts that I haven't seen him in so long, (or talked to him) I wish I could contact him, but maybe I deserve all of this shit. I'm sorry for not telling you sooner, but I wasn't all to sure what it was.. damn I am a puss. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jul. 20th, 2004|10:34 pm] |
Yeah...
Time for another actual update...
Yeah, today wasn't the best day. Met Kim; she's cool. I found out I may have been at fault for fucking up my relationship with a close friend. Makes me feel just fucking chipper. I mean yeah, he shouldn't take things I say to heart, but I should have also realized that I sometimes say things that arent' the fucking best. I guess that is something I have to work on...another part of growing up...joy. I hate this shit. I'm being forced into a world of taxes, bills, and hell of a lot of responsiblity that I shouldn't have to be ready for for atleast another year...I mean common. Give me a little break. I've always been forced to grow up faster than the people around me, but I figured it'd all be worth it...you know, fuck it. I give up. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jul. 19th, 2004|01:05 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  gloomy | ] |
Yeah, haven't updated in awhile. And I apologize for that. I just haven't had much to update on. Alright that's a lie. There's been a lot going on. My computer been a bitch. I've gone completely mental and trying my hardest to hide it which is draining me of my energy. I've had shit for sleep the past few nights. Mostly my fault. I'm begining to hate myself and I don't know why. I have a friend in need and I can't help him because I can't even fucking help myself. I just wish I could get get along with my family just for one fucking day. I try...I really do. It's just I can't last very long. And now it seems it's getting worse. It doesn't make me happy. I know most of this is pointless ramble, and I'm going to hate that as well, but it's the only way I know how to get all of this shit out. I don't even really feel much of anything anymore. Everything is just going numb 'cept for feeling of despare, loneliness, depression... I think for the first time in my life I'm scared for my well being. The worst part about this is, I don't know why. I know I should be more worried about my friend...but I don't know anymore. I'm going to go. |
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
| |
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
disturbedangels's journal