The_Quote

Sat, 02 Jul 2005 02:56:37 GMT

What in God's name is wrong with me!?

I broke down at work...I broke down last night when I got of the phone, if my will was not as strong as it is I would have broken down about five minutes ago, this afternoon, this morning, yesterday on the phone, last night during dinner...
I do not know what is going on. The little things are making htings go wrong. I know that this afternoon when I was at work if I had not been getting off work in an hour they would have sent me home early. They kept asking if I was alright, if I wanted something to eat, if I needed to go to the back office, if I needed to talk about anything. All I could do was shake my head, I did not even know what they had said or what my response was until I thought about it later on while I was in the car. I do not know what is going on...everything is going wrong...
I hate this and I cannot stand this. Everytime I try to talk to him I feel a little stab in my heart/side because I know that things will never be thesame and that I can never have the relationship I had with him before. Not even as friends because I know that he has a hard time dealing with it. I know that if I were to talk to him like I would a friend or if were to tell him all that I need to talk to anyone about..it would only hurt him or he would simply say that he knew it because of an assumption he may have already had...

*sighs* I am making little to know sense, and I apologize. I have people in the room and I am speaking with them so it is hard to type. *waves* good bye.

Thu, 30 Jun 2005 02:27:22 GMT

I do not know why I am posting. I have nothing at all to say. Everything is fuzzy and blurred. I guess I should have been a bit more careful with myself. I was not prepared at all. I left a hole opened and you jumped right in. I have a feeling you did not do it on purpose and therefore I hold nothing against you. (so no worries.) I was not expecting it. And I should blame myself for not thinking of everything.
I have been doing that a lot lately. I have been nothing more than a large disappointment to myself as of late. And the only thing that I can say that I have done a good job at is holding up the front of nothing being wrong. I wonder how well that will hold out with him. I doubt I will see him before Sunday and I hope that by then I will have everything straightened out by then so he will not get the chance to see that something is wrong.

I will shut up now. Everything is so messed up and I apologize if this makes no sense to any of you. *gives a humble bow and disappears*

Tue, 28 Jun 2005 00:00:26 GMT

Quick question...do I have "I'm lovable, so say you love me" written on my forehead somewhere? If I do, please let me know because that would explain why three different males with no relation to myself have told me that they loved me (among other things) in the past two months....
:-/ -sighs-
It upsets me, I do not like being cared about, I do not like people to want to be with me (not that I want them to avoid me either..), gah! I do not know...-sighs- Damn....

I know I no longer have the right to be angry with you over such things, but you know what? I am...

Sun, 26 Jun 2005 18:48:25 GMT

I do not want to talk to you. You have upset me, disappointed me, and I have a bad feeling that you have somehow (or will) hurt me. I thought you were better than that and I know deep down you are. Yes, I know this should not be a public thing typed up on a computer screen, but quite frankly I do not give a damn. I want everything to work. I want to eventually be able to be with you, once I, myself, am strong enough to do so. I know that by that time you may have moved on, and that is quite alright. You are allowed and I have no claims on you. But I do not see this working out, neither now nor in the near future. For a while there I thought I could see it. I thought that things could work, but I do not anymore.
Yes, I am probably overreacting. No, I do not care if you think that I am. Yes, I am highly upset. And, no, I do not know what all was said and done and will probably never know. But for some reason, beyond my own understanding I am utterly upset with you.
And I just thought you should know that.
I just would like to know, what in the hell were you thinking?

Mon, 20 Jun 2005 03:10:19 GMT

My own slighly modified version of SuperChic[k]'s "Bowling Ball"

Maybe she'll change
Maybe things will get better
Maybe it would be nice
If she wouldn't always put you down
Maybe things will work out
But maybe they'll never
And I think that you've given her
The benefit of the doubt

Chorus:
You need this girl like a bowling ball dropped on your head
Which means not at all
You have too much to give to live to waste your time on her
You need this girl like a bowling ball dropped on your head
Which means not at all
You have too much to give to live to waste your time on her

Maybe she'll change
If you could be better
But maybe it's not your fault
She's checking out the waiter now
But someday you'll change
One day you're stronger
And you will have changed enough
And it's time to get out

Chorus

You have too much to give to live to waste your time on me

Chorus

Maybe he'll change
Maybe things will get better
Maybe it would be nice
If he wouldn't always put you down
Maybe things will work out
But maybe they'll never
And I think that you've given him
The benefit of the doubt

Chorus:
You need that boy like a bowling ball dropped on your head
Which means not at all
You have too much to give to live to waste your time on him
You need that boy like a bowling ball dropped on your head
Which means not at all
You have too much to give to live to waste your time on him

Maybe he'll change
If you could be better
But maybe it's not your fault
He's checking out the waitress now
But someday you'll change
One day you're stronger
And you will have changed enough
And it's time to get out

Chorus

You have too much to give to live to waste your time on him

Chorus

Tue, 14 Jun 2005 14:28:54 GMT

All these miles, haunting questions linger in my mind.
And all the while, making bad decisions out of line.
Still I've tried, to let go of the danger in my life.
It's alright, when that's the only thing I've left behind.
And there's still time...

At this time, I'm counting all the reasons I should stay.
Bottom line. I'm missing all the things I gave away.
I remind, and see your face every single day.
Still I'm blind. I wish that there was something I could say
To make things right...

Just hold on a little bit longer.
Thoughts and memories will be enough
My need for you is only growing stronger.
I know you don't understand it much
But it doesn't mean I have to care about you any less
It doesn't have a thing to do with that.
There's still so many questions that are gonna' be addressed
I'm sorry that it had to be like this.
But there's still time to make things right.

Wait for me. There's so much more of life for us to see.
You must believe, it's not because of you I've had to leave.
Wait for me. I only hope that you'll remember me.

Tue, 14 Jun 2005 02:56:40 GMT

Fuck.Shit.Damn.

There! You happy yet?! Are you fucking happy now...I've done it, I've admitted to it...just go away!

If you're only going to be around half the time...then don't bother...it'd make life so much simpler for all of us...especially me...Cunt...

Sad to say, I can not really be angry with you. I should have known...it is not uncommon. Happens often with you (or so it seems). I guess I am more agrivated with myself, allowing myself to become anxious, hopeful, almost longing, and completely off gaurd... making myself completely volnerable. I was an easy target, I left myself wide fucking open and was let down, yet again, by someone I cared about. Happens too many times to count. This is how I lose my faith in my family, those that are suppose to be there for me, those who said they would always be there for me - no matter what. And it is always the same people that I do not ask for. I did not ask for you to care, I did not ask for you to be considerate. I left for a reason. I can not get hurt that way. Silly me for falling for it. But I was smart, I backed out when I got too far in. But I was not smart enough to catch it afterwards, once again my gaurd was down. I knew it! It always happens. Why do you think I am alone? Come on! I want a fucking answer! Why the hell do you think I.am.alone..? Tell me, I want to know your great logic behind it. Because I want to make sure you are right, and if you are...then everythings proven...

FUCK!

......sorry for the ranting...everythings going so wrong right now...all I wanted was someone to talk to, someone to speak with....nothing.....if you tried I apologize for jumping to conclusions. If you were too busy...it should have been expected. If you forgot...typical...

Tue, 07 Jun 2005 18:29:33 GMT

Oi!
Hello, how is everyone this lovely day? Grawr!

Yes...things have been going as expected but it is quite alright. Because my main problem for the past couple of weeks is gone. Yes! I know longer have to worry about it. I have given it to someone else to deal with, and He is much more qualified to deal with it anyway. So that make me happy.
For those of you her are wondering what my problem was, read my previous entries. O_o Yes, I know. "How do you give your guy troubles to someone else? Especially another guy!" Well, the "guy" I have given my problem to goes by the name of God. And it was the easiest thing I have ever done in my life. I just asked him to deal with it and I have full confidence that he will.
If you are wondering how this came about I shall tell you:
I was reading a part of a Christian based book the other night and in it, there was a verse (or something) that said if you are to give yourself fully to God, you need to give him all of your problems, The book said it does not matter how big or great the problem is, if you call on him, he will help you. The same thing goes with questions. If you have a question for him ask and he will answer. So now all I am doing is waiting for that answer.
*jumps out of a window and runs away screaming 'good bye'*

P.S. I know this all sounds highly childish, and it is a bit scattered and not written down properly. If you have any questions e-mail me.

Sat, 04 Jun 2005 20:43:23 GMT

I know I could post somewhere else, but I would much rather post in here. And only the people I care about read this anyway.

Yeah, talked to my mother today for the first time in over a week. She seems to be doing well. She has skeletons in her closet and my present gaurdian is helping her and I to work through them. Her and I have come up with a compromise (with the help of my gaurdian) and if everything works out with her then I only have to pay for insurance and I can get my car back.
I am anxious for what is going to happen with all of this. And I am having a hard time tricking myself into believing that I am fine with all of this. I thought that I had been dealing with my mother and my latest "infatuation" well. But last night I have found that my inner self was failing miserabley at making me believe I was handling all of this.
Last night I had just finished praying when a thought haunted my mind and followed it into the dream world. I had a dream last night about my mother and in this dream her and I got into an all out brawl. My dream self helped my concious self (inavertanley) to hit head on with my skeletons and my problems. I had hoped to have the ability to type to you and put into words everything I am feeling, my doubts, my fears. And I wish now more than ever I had one person, just one, that I could just sit and talk to. I need someone right now. (And those who know me, know the pride I just had to swallow to admit that.) I am having a hard time dealing with all of this and the only comfort I have right now is knowing that God will always be here to watch over me and catch me when I fall, all I have to do is ask...But still, I need another person. Just one that I can talk to openly with, one who...-shrugs- I need to get going. I have stuff to do.

A sad pathetic post...

Tue, 31 May 2005 01:23:52 GMT

I am highly pathetic, I have spent the last few weeks thinking about one person. I cannot get him out of my mind no matter how hard, or how little, I try he will not leave. He haunts my dreams, my last memories of being at home...everything. I know I should get rid of him...get him out of my head and make the thoughts leave. He does not want me.. He has better things to do than deal with a kid. He is nine years my senior and should not want to be with me. Besides that, he has a girl...whatever her name may be...

-smacks self- Damn, I'm pathetic...

I need to get going....I am just I would rather not talk about this shit anymore.

Wed, 25 May 2005 02:12:17 GMT

I post in here for a few reasons:
1. I have not posted in a really long time.
2. I am not sure who I could talk to about this.
3. I am not even sure how much sense this is all going to make.

This past week and a half have been good for the most part. Last Monday was the start of a lot of it and from there it just stayed on this pleasant plateau. With a few potholes here and there. I saw an old acquaintance of mine who I had not seen/heard from in over six months. It was cool. Lowe had mentioned him either the week school did let out or the week right before. (I cannot remember.) I remember asking Lowe "How is he?", "What's he been up too?", and other questions of the sort. And I also remember from that point on wondering when I might be able to actually see him again. Then Monday comes around and Lowe was staying at my house for a bit and he called wondering what everyone was up to. Lowe mentioned being at my house and we invited him over. He came over and my mother had fallen asleep, so we went into the "garage" and talked for for a bit. Then my mother poked her head through the door and startled us. I went inside for a moment to let her know who was here, wha was going on...all the general stuff. She told me to bring them in so that Lowe could watch the rest of The Count of Monte Cristo. I relayed the message, my mom back tracked the movie and we all sat in the living room and watched the rest of the movie. After the movie we sat and conversed for awhile and I think my mom started another movie and got up and left to do something. Us remaining three talked, not really watching the movie. And I was told, yet again, that I don't talk enough. He left a bit later and the rest of the day ended well. I took Lowe home and decided to go to bed. Before I could get to sleep the phone rang and my mother told me it was Spike. (A friend of mine who lives north of here.)Talked to him for a good while before I told him I needed to go so I could get up and go to "work" in the morning.
Tuesday comes around and my mom woke me up so I could get ready for "work", but I could not move much farther than the edge of my bed from having a short night of restless, empty-less, broken sleep. So I slept in and was told to call Mother when I finally got up. I got up around noon and called her; she then took this time to inform me that I was not allowed to date the guy she had met yesterday under no circumstances (and I have yet to figure out why). I called a few people after that trying to figure out what everyone was doing and what everyone was up to. I could not get in contact with any of them and deduced that they were all together somewhere, but I did not have the number, nor the means, to reach them. I shrugged it off and figured I call them the next day.
Wednesday comes around and I my mom wakes me up to take me to "work" and decides that I can have the car as long as I come and pick her up from work when she gets off. I agreed and dropped her off at her office before heading out. I get to the "Place of Hell" (as I call it) and they tell me that there was some conflicts with my hours and they cannot find any of my past information. They told me to leave and come back in an hour when the manager got in so that she and I could sort everything out. I obliged and left, but instead of going all the way home I just stopped at my mother's office to talk to her for a bit and tell her what was going on. She jumped down my throat as if it were my fault my stuff had been lost and then she got too busy and had to concentrate on her work. (One of those times you thank God.) I waited around for the clock to tell me it was nine o'clock before I left. I got back up to The Place of Hell fifteen after. I was then informed that the manager was in a meeting and would be out momentarily. So I waited around for another fifteen minutes before I was told it may be a while and I should go sit out front. I waited another half hour our so and was beginning to get highly irritated. A woman who worked on the second floor came down to get a soda and saw that I was sitting out front. She commented on me being back and I told her about how I still had more hours to finish. We joked around a bit and she then asked if I was on break and I told her no, and gave her my reason for sitting out there. She said it was stupid and said to give her a minute and she would be back. She came back and told me that I was going to go work back on the second floor with her and that her supervisor agreed with it all being stupid. At the end of the day I clocked out and to my enjoyment found that the manager I was suppose to talk to had given me the two hours I sat around and did nothing. But then I was informed that they had lost 10 of my hours and that I had to come back to finish them the upcoming weekend. I growled under my breath and left, heading back to Mother's office. She fussed at me for not calling her to let her know that I would not have a lunch break, I told her I had no means of calling her and she rolled her eyes. Then I told her about having to work the weekend and she was upset because I was not suppose to be at home that weekend. (Sorry to be a bother.)We came home and Mother got mad because the kitchen was not cleaned....never mind I did not have time to clean it from being at work. I left the room and used the phone, once again, trying to get ahold of people and finding it impossible. I gave up and decided to go to church with my father and my sister rather than going alone and wasting that much more gas. I got to church and found that it was not improving my mood any, so I went to hide in a corner. Shawn found me and started bombarding me with questions. He confused the piss out of me for a while before letting me know what exactly he was talking about. I found out he was friends with my new found friend from Monday, who shall now be mentioned as the magician. (until further notice) Shawn kept asking me how I felt about this guy and if there was any chance of a relationship forming. I let him know what my mother had said about him and then told him how I felt, more or less. He let me know that the magician felt a similar way and things went on like that for a while. Church went on without too much trouble. I came home, got fussed at for not being social with my mother and then I went on to bed where I had yet another crappy night of sleep.
Thursday came around and I was up with the sun. *grumbles* I was so tired I could not even see straight. I called my mother and she told me what to do for the day. I finished my chores and tried again to get in contact with Lowe. I was informed that the cell was up and running again so I gave it a ring and found that no one answered. Some stuff happened and the phone decided it was going to seek revenge and not work for me anymore. Lowe called back and we talked a little bit. Soon after I was invited over. I told them I would be sour company but they did not believe me and told me to come over anyway. I told them I would think about it and hung up the phone. After a little bit my sister and I got into a fight and I needed to go for a walk so I took the opportunity to walk to FAW's house where I hung out with her and Lowe. I felt bad for being a sour sport and told them I would talk to them later and that I needed to get home. The rest of the day went on and things were said, some more stuff happened that I do not wish to disclose in here and then I tried to go to bed.... I slept longer than I had the other two nights and the intervals at which I slept had been longer, however, the dreams were unbearable and did not make the night any better than the rest.
Friday came and I gave Lowe a call and was invited to go to B&N with her and FAW. I accepted reluctantly and told them I would call Mother and see where she stood on the whole thing. She said I could and I sat called the two back letting them know what was going on. They said it was cool and they would be around at about five. So I waited and Mother and Step-Father came home before I left. Mother chewed me out for several things that I was "suppose" to do and I left to go sit outside and wait. She told me that before I could leave I had to finish up some of the laundry. I found this quite absurd but did it none-the-less and while I was in the midst of finishing FAW and Lowe showed up and I left with them. Friday went by and I started to cheer up quite a bit. Things went on and then Midnight rolled around and we decided to go to a movie and while we were there we ran into some people that we knew. (Some good...some not so good) We came home and went to bed. Once again another night of shitty sleep.
Saturday rolled around and nothing much happened. I did have to go in for work but they found my hours and told me that I only needed to work another hour and half. But the manager gave me an hour so all I had to do was wash dishes for half an hour and she let me go. I was happy and they all told me that I should come back just for some volunteer stuff because they enjoyed me being there. I told them I would and I came home where I tormented Lowe for a bit while FAW slept... My mood went up and down and all over the place. I think I made some people think that I was highly angry at them. Which I apologize for now. We watched some movies, played a card a game, and when Mother and Step-father left we went to spy on people. It was fun until we came home to find that my mother was standing at the door waiting for us...not very happily. Things ended shakily and I tired telling Lowe and FAW that things would be alright and Mother would be fine in the morning but neither of them would listen. I told them I was going to bed and fell asleep in the living room.
Sunday came and I was right. My mother was not angry anymore and Step-Father made us all breakfast. While FAW, Lowe, and I were eating Mother and him got into a fight back in the bedroom. Lowe was saying something about needing to be home sometime that day would call the mom to find out what time. FAW asked if she would be dropped off the same tim as Lowe and I said probably if my "parents" kept it up because I did not wish to expose her to the adults fighting. Lowe called the mom and was told the eight was the time of drop off. So I went to tell Mother and she came out saying she was leaving and I asked where she was going she said she did not know and left. A little while later she called and said that Step-Father needed to be outside if he wanted his ride. She came by and they left to fight away from us.

This is still speaking of Sunday...just this is when the main reason of my post starts so it gets to live in it's own special cut
The three of us were bored and home alone because my sister was at my father's house and the cable/internet was not accessible at my house. So Lowe called up our magician friend and he said he was in a crappy mood but he would be over. He came over and FAW was wigging out so Lowe took FAW out for a walk leaving me and the magician alone to talk. I was not very talkative due to the fact that I was not sure what to talk about and I was washing dishes. We did talk a little bit and he spoke of his reasons for being in a crappy mood and how him and his girlfriend had ended on bad terms. After a bit things started to loosen up and we were talking a bit more lightly and things were a bit better. Lowe called and asked if the magician would mind taking FAW to the store to get cigs. After toying with Lowe a moment or so, he agreed and left saying he would be back momentarily. He came back and told FAW and Lowe that FAW's cigs had fallen back down the road and they needed to go back and get them. Lowe freaked out because of fear of being killed by FAW and FAW more or less threatened him and he handed them to her after poking fun at her for being so short. We laughed and had a good old time and sat down to play a game of cards. FAW did not want to play but sat there to watch anyway. Mother and Step-Father showed up and Mother was content with the condition of the kitchen and did not saying anything about me having an extra guest at the house. At about six, my father came to drop my sister off and to pick me up. I went out there to talk to him and felt bad because I had forgotten he had said he was going to take me with him for the next few days. I asked him if he could come back and get me Tuesday morning because I knew he had to be over this way anyway because he had somethings he had to do. He agreed and took off. I thought he would be angry but he was not. (I was relieved.)The game ended and FAW called her father to come get pick up FAW, Lowe and I to go FAW's house to get Lowe's stuff so that Lowe could get home. While we waited I played hacky sack with the magician, and made a fool of myself in the process. The magician got to meet my sister and found it odd that the two of us were related because of us being so different. I laughed finding it quite humorous. FAW's father showed up and the FAW and Lowe left. I decided to stay home because I wanted to talk to the magician a bit more, even though that was not what I told them. >.> <.< We played a bit more hacky sack and after a while we quit from the heat and sat outside and talked a bit. He asked why I did not go with them and I told him that I had been with people all week and I really did not feel the want to right at the moment. He nodded in an understanding manner and proceeded to toss the hacky sack back and forth with my sister until she tried to eat it. He poked fun at her and the two of us talked a bit more. We went inside and he kept trying to ask me some stuff but my sister kept interrupting so we went to my room and I warned him it would be a bit messy. He did not complain so we sat and talked. He shyly confronted me on his feelings for me and vice versa. We talked about it a bit more and things went well. Mother came home and asked me if I was fooling around with him. I told her know, which is the truth, and that she had nothing to worry about. She left again taking my sister with her leaving him and I alone. We talked more and after a good while he asked if he were allowed to kiss me and I let him know he was, so we did and things went along fine for the remainder of the evening. After awhile he left because he had to get things straightened out at the place he was staying at and needed to make arrangements for his new home. Half an hour went by and Chase called. We talked a little bit and he came over for awhile. I got tried and told him I needed to get some sleep. So he went on home and I fell asleep. I slept a little better than I had the night before but things were still highly messed up inside of my head.

MONDAY:

I woke up monday at five and Mother talked to me for a little bit about things and half apologized for being the way she had been for a while. She went back to bed and I took a shower. She woke up and got ready for work, letting me know that I needed to get the house cleaned (with my sister's help) because it looked like "a bunch of niggers lived here" (in the infamous words of my mother) So when she left for work at seven I cleaned until about ten. I sat down and turned a movie on, Empire Records, taking a minute or two to relax before I changed into an actually shirt. (I had been running around in a tank top type thing because I had been cleaning.) As I got up to go change my shirt the doorbell rang and my magician friend was there. I invited him in and decided the shirt I was wearing was alright so we sat and watched the movie together. My sister woke up and joined us. He laughed and commented on her morning coffee being a crack rock; she was still half asleep and was not as active as she had been the previous night. She glared at him and made cereal for herself and as soon as the sugar kicked in she was back to her active self. *shudders* After the movie was over, he saw that we had Once Upon A Time In Mexico and wondered if I would mind watching it. I told him I had never seen it, so he put it in and we watched it. It was a really good movie. After the movie was over my sister was becoming a nuisance so he and I went back to my room where we talked some more and things were going along quite well. Lowe called around one and was quite bored so I gave Chase a call and he went to go pick Lowe up and the two of them came over. I thought it would be a bit awkward to have both Chase and the magician in the same room with each other, seeing as how Chase is my ex..but things seemed to have gone by quite well. After an hour Chase left to go do some stuff and then the magician had to leave to go finish packing for yesterday was his last day in town. Lowe and I went to FAW's house and we hung out for a little while. Lowe and I got hungry so we came back home and it was past time for my mother to be home. I called her and found she had been out with friends and was drinking. Lowe and I made food and ate. Mother came home and the three of us watched Empire Records (yes, again) it was a funny movie and we quite enjoyed it. Lowe had never seen Dragonfly so Mother put it on in her room and Lowe, my sister, Mother, and I began watching it. A few minutes into the movie the phone rang and Chase called asking if he could come over. I said yes and the two of us went into the living room to talk some more stuff out. The things we had to talk about made me feel like shit for having taken his heart and crushing it...(Or atleast that what it seems like I have done). I was in tears when he left and I thank the Lord that Lowe stayed the night or else I may have fallen asleep crying... He kept asking if there was anything else I wanted/needed to say and the only thing I could think of saying was that I wanted *insert name here* Which I knew better than to say because it would not have made anything better...
I feel horrible...like some really sick, twisted person for being able to move on like this and be able to feel this way about someone other than him... I do believe I loved him but I do not believe I had the right definition for the love that I felt for him...because it never changed. Not even now..I just... I do not know. I still care about him and all. I just do not have those feelings for him anymore. But that is not my main reason for feeling guilty so I shall back off of that for now...
I feel guilty because I am falling for this guy.. my magician friend... I am falling harder and faster than I ever thought possible. Quicker than I ever did with anyone else. And it makes me feel like shit to know that I can be running down this road of pure ecstasy while he cannot let go and I can not help but feel it is my fault...

-sighs- I shall talk more later, maybe. For I have been yapping for close to three hours now and my hands are getting tired...

Sun, 10 Apr 2005 03:35:19 GMT

Love to be beside you, the way you smell
The way your lips feel and your fingernails.
The way your fingers crawl up my spine,
The way you always make me the last in line.

I carry the weight of the world as the past is unfurled, but I won't stop to
wonder.
Going through this life on my own made me as cold as a stone; I'm a ship going
under.

And I'd tell you this, but I don't know how.
I'm caving in and I'm falling out
And I can't resist and I can't rebound
with the weight of the world as the world falls down.

It's the way you thrill me, then pull away.
The way you seem to kill me a little more each day.
And it's what you're thinking in your twisted mind
The way your body trembles when it's next to mine.

I carry the weight of the world as the past is unfurled, but I won't stop to
wonder.
Going through this life on my own made me as cold as a stone; I'm a ship going
under.

And I'd tell you this, but I don't know how.
I'm caving in and I'm falling out
And I can't resist and I can't rebound
with the weight of the world as the world falls down.

This pain I think about it everyday,
it tells me I'm never gonna get away.
I know it's over, but I can't escape
memories and how to face another day.

Something like that...just a few modifications, but I don't feel like it at the moment... So you figure it out.

Sat, 29 Jan 2005 05:37:44 GMT

What color are you? (Anime Pictures)
brought to you by Quizilla

You are the chinese element of Water. People who
are under the element of Water are creative,
independent and intelligent. Water you are a
dreamer, but are quite vulnerable, and have
hidden agendas. The color of water is black,
and your symbol is the tortoise. Winter is the
season in which Water shines and it's months
are October/November. Your weather condition
is cold. Water is the direction of north, and
your day is Wednesday, while your planet is
Mercury. Animals under your element are
usually shelled. People under you are Turks.
Your sense is hearing, your taste is salty,
your sound is moaning and your virtue is
knowledge. Your organs are the kidneys. You
were created by Metal and control Fire.

Which of the 5 Chinese Elements Are You?
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You're taffy!! You're a clever and kind person,
but you tend to hold grudges. You are not big
on dishing out forgiveness.

Which kind of candy are you?
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You're Most Like The Season Autumn ...

You're warm, and the most approachable. You have
that gentle prescence about you. People can
relate to you, and find you easy company.
However it's likely you've been hurt in the
past and it has left you scarred so things can
become rather chilly with you at times. Being
the third Season in, you're mature, trustworthy
and loyal to your friends but prone to
depression and negative thinking.

Well done... You're the shy and sensitive season :)

?? Which Season Are You ??
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I bow to you!

J-rock quiz - Are you Jrock?
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-laughs- Yeah right...

Goddess of Wind, calm and cool and under control.
You don't like getting personal with too many
people.

What element would you rein over? (For Girls)
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You are Corruptive!

Which Stereotypical CLAMP emotion are you?
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Peace. You Truly Desire Peace. Just relaxing
somewhere calm with a light breeze against your
cheecks is our ideal of pefect. You don't like
to start fights, but instead, end them without
using violence.

PLEASE RATE

What Do You Truly Desire? *PICS*
brought to you by Quizilla

Dark shadow. Something has drawn you into darkness
in the past, and you're now trying to get out
of it. The darkness is already inside you, and
getting it out will be hard, but if you try,
maybe one day you can be who you want to be
again. Don't give in!!!

Please rate ^^

What kind of dark person are you?
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I know I have not been updating very much. But there has been a lot of things going on that I would rather not discuss right now. But I did atleast put some time into this entry. (Maybe not effort, but definitely time.) And there it is for those of you that actually read this.

(Mind you this post isn't mad..but sad)

Wed, 17 Nov 2004 04:32:41 GMT

You know...I needed you this morning...I cried on your bed, infront of you. You didn't eve look up at me. I know it was silent and you probably didn't hear it...but -closes her eyes- it still hurts. You know? -sighs- It shouldn't. I know you didn't mean it, I know you didn't see. But...-sighs- I know I should tell you this face to face but this is the only way I'd get it out...but you knew that... I think.

Wed, 06 Oct 2004 23:26:17 GMT

Parents are so loving and caring....They are the most supportive people in the world....

For the longest time I have been without a teacher in one of my classes and struggling more in the other. My parents know this and I thought that mabye I would get some support out of them...I need to stop lieing to myself...

"Hey, Mom, good news...I have a see in my Trig class..."
"What about Chemistry..."
"72"
"That's only a 'D' you are better than that"

There was no try harder next time nothing like what my siblings get. There was no...well that's okay. No understanding do to the loss of a teacher. Nothing. Oh well. What am I suppose to expect..Right? I need to grow up and depend on me...only me.. *Shrugs* (Kinda pressed for time so this is a really short and really shitty entry..sorry)

Tue, 28 Sep 2004 22:00:39 GMT

I know, I have been seriously slacking in the updating department. But for good reason...okay not really. Anyway, This past weekend was so messed up...

I bled for someone other than my boyfriend saturday night. I am not even sure why I did it. I think I felt tied down, and yes, I understand that comes with a relationship, but I supposedly have a free spirt (friends words, not mine) which explains it. Am I using this as an excuse no. Why am I telling the whole world this? Because, I have to tell someone. The world should know how good of a person my boyfriend is for keeping me around even after all the stuff I have pulled the last few days. Very soon I will be updating a story on my life and a few friends' lives. Some of the things have been changed and I will tell you what is real and what I and my friend came up with all by ourselves. ;) good bye for now, to those who care, and if you do not...well then fuck your the monkey of your mother.

Wed, 08 Sep 2004 23:48:00 GMT

The feelings she hide
The dreams she can't find
Loosing her mind
Falling behind
Can't find her place
Loosing her faith
Fallen from grace
All over the place

Lost inside...Every one wants to know what's wrong...there are your answers...

Everyone says crying helps..but what if you have done that every night since Saturday? What if now when you cry it doesn' help at all...all it does is make you feel worse, like pathetic worthless shit for crying because of nothing? What's worse is that I know there is something wrong..I know it...but I can't, I don't know what it is.

I should be happy, here I lie on my boyfriend's bed listening to his voice for the first time in a few days...And I watch as a single tear falls from each eye out of sadness...sadness so great that it's literally crushing my heart...It feel very similar to the pain I felt when I first broke up with my boyfriend. But I have no idea why I feel this way. I shouldn't. Nothing is this bad in my life...absolutley nothing...or atleast I can't find anything other than the shit that happens every day, or almost everyday...

I apologize for still not answering your questions...I would if I could...You know this right? *shakes head*

Good bye says Daemon

Sun, 01 Aug 2004 06:46:15 GMT

Alright, look I'm sorry for not telling you sooner, but I wasn't all too sure about it myself. Now I am, I part of the reason my mind has flipped so many chanels so quickly, and why it has been distracting me, is because I don't want to admit that I miss my ex... I really do miss him, it hurts that I haven't seen him in so long, (or talked to him) I wish I could contact him, but maybe I deserve all of this shit. I'm sorry for not telling you sooner, but I wasn't all to sure what it was.. damn I am a puss.

Wed, 21 Jul 2004 03:34:56 GMT

Yeah...

Time for another actual update...

Yeah, today wasn't the best day. Met Kim; she's cool. I found out I may have been at fault for fucking up my relationship with a close friend. Makes me feel just fucking chipper. I mean yeah, he shouldn't take things I say to heart, but I should have also realized that I sometimes say things that arent' the fucking best. I guess that is something I have to work on...another part of growing up...joy. I hate this shit. I'm being forced into a world of taxes, bills, and hell of a lot of responsiblity that I shouldn't have to be ready for for atleast another year...I mean common. Give me a little break. I've always been forced to grow up faster than the people around me, but I figured it'd all be worth it...you know, fuck it. I give up.

Mon, 19 Jul 2004 06:06:15 GMT

Yeah, haven't updated in awhile. And I apologize for that. I just haven't had much to update on. Alright that's a lie. There's been a lot going on. My computer been a bitch. I've gone completely mental and trying my hardest to hide it which is draining me of my energy. I've had shit for sleep the past few nights. Mostly my fault. I'm begining to hate myself and I don't know why. I have a friend in need and I can't help him because I can't even fucking help myself. I just wish I could get get along with my family just for one fucking day. I try...I really do. It's just I can't last very long. And now it seems it's getting worse. It doesn't make me happy. I know most of this is pointless ramble, and I'm going to hate that as well, but it's the only way I know how to get all of this shit out. I don't even really feel much of anything anymore. Everything is just going numb 'cept for feeling of despare, loneliness, depression... I think for the first time in my life I'm scared for my well being. The worst part about this is, I don't know why. I know I should be more worried about my friend...but I don't know anymore. I'm going to go.

Wed, 16 Jun 2004 16:15:34 GMT

Kitty was wasn't having a very good morning. The night before she was treated like shit by the rest of litter, (including the mommy). Kitty woke up that morning really upset, in pain, (She fell on her foot and twisted it before she fell asleep.) and something else was wrong but she couldn't rightly put her paw on it. After she woke, she stretched, and walked over to Master's room and scratched on the door as to wake him up. He opened the door, but before Kitty could go inside she was called to go outside. She went outside, came back and crawled into Master's bed next to him. Kitty still wasn't feeling so well and wanted a big cuddle/bear hug from Master, but didn't want to wake Master up because he was tired and needed to sleep. Master gave Kitty a hug and then layed on his back and fell asleep. Kitty tried to get comfortable, she tried to ignore the feeling she was having, but she really wanted a big comforting hug. Kitty put her paw on Master's chest, as to get him to give a hug, she buried her nose in his hair. Kitty was cofused. She knew he was tired, and she knew that he was there. But for some reason Kitty still felt lonely. She moved her paw and Master rolled over and gave Kitty a big hug. Then he fell back asleep. For some reason unknown to Kitty, she began to cry. She didn't know why, she had everything she wanted laying right there next to her. She loved her Master, she knew her Master loved her. But she kept crying, the more she tried to quit the worse it got. Master didn't even realize it because he was sleeping. (Which was quite alright.) Kitty didn't know what was wrong, but for some unknown reason the poor little kitten had never felt more alone. She felt so terrible for feeling like that, which just made the kitten cry harder. Poor Kitty...she just couldn't get over the feeling of loneliness, she kept trying to find comfort, she kept re-adjusting and nothing was working. The kitten had been crying for almost an hour and she needed to leave as to not let Master know that she was upset. She left and when she came back Master was awake, so Kitty crawled and curled up in a ball next to Master. Master gave her a big hug, and with out warning Kitty started crying again. Master didn't know what was wrong, and neither did Kitty, but Master kept asking Kitty to say something and Kitty couldn't even meow, because she was afraid to loose it completely. He kept asking, but she didn't say anything...Kitty no feel good about it at all. And she still doesn't feel very good about it. Poor lonely kitten, hopefully someone will be able to figure out what is wrong with the kitten...can you?

Thu, 10 Jun 2004 04:45:50 GMT

Life's a fucking bitch. I swear to God I'm going to jump off a fucking bridge and not think fucking twice about any of it. I hate all of this. I feel like shit. I'm hungry as hell. I wish I could just leave this God damn piece of shit place and not think twice. I don't want anything to do with here any longer. I want to go to my grandparent's house. I want....FUCK IT ALL TO HELL. *cries* I hate this...

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

Okay now I have all of this stupid shit I've gotten from damn people.

>
WARNING

disturbedangels is radioactive. Wear protective clothing at all times.

From Go-Quiz.com

disturbedangels's Word Usage

1. i (334)	26. up (38)	51. were (24)	76. ashley (15)
2. the (258)	27. about (37)	52. her (24)	77. they (15)
3. and (233)	28. on (36)	53. don't (23)	78. anyway (15)
4. to (225)	29. she (33)	54. brought (22)	79. around (15)
5. you (177)	30. like (33)	55. will (21)	80. it's (15)
6. a (144)	31. not (33)	56. one (21)	81. why (14)
7. of (133)	32. know (32)	57. back (21)	82. some (14)
8. me (99)	33. when (31)	58. think (21)	83. got (14)
9. my (98)	34. i'm (31)	59. started (21)	84. because (14)
10. it (92)	35. so (30)	60. there (20)	85. two (13)
11. was (90)	36. if (30)	61. quizilla (20)	86. talking (13)
12. that (86)	37. be (30)	62. am (20)	87. something (13)
13. in (83)	38. your (29)	63. saw (20)	88. more (13)
14. he (72)	39. do (29)	64. going (19)	89. would (13)
15. this (67)	40. we (29)	65. really (19)	90. see (13)
16. him (54)	41. by (28)	66. can (19)	91. his (13)
17. for (51)	42. way (28)	67. love (19)	92. did (13)
18. but (51)	43. as (28)	68. still (17)	93. even (12)
19. are (48)	44. had (27)	69. need (17)	94. thing (12)
20. what (45)	45. get (27)	70. go (17)	95. time (12)
21. with (42)	46. told (26)	71. no (16)	96. how (12)
22. out (41)	47. just (26)	72. said (16)	97. partner (11)
23. have (39)	48. or (25)	73. from (16)	98. any (11)
24. all (38)	49. at (25)	74. feel (15)	99. always (11)
25. is (38)	50. kris (25)	75. shit (15)	100. want (11)

Username:
Word Count by Hutta.

The World Is MINE! by Demonac
Name:
You will conquer:	the Entire World, except Antartica (those Penguin Guerrillas prove impossible to dislodge).
Your title will be:	Priscus
You will succeed by:	Creating a moronically easy-to-avoid computer virus that only works if victims open the attachment (notice it worked anyway!).
Your Enforcers will be:	Rainbow Six (from the Tom Clancy book of same name).
Your first act as ruler:	Bathe in your victims' blood.
(What happened after)	Try "The World Was Yours! What Happened?" MEME to find out!

Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

The World Was Yours! What Happened??? by Demonac
Name
Abused your power by	Forcing everyone to switch to Linux
Until	the Religious Right
...	Beamed you into a holodeck and tricked you into revealing your secret command codes.
And adding insult to injury	They rewrote all the history books, inserting "the insane" in front of every instance of your name.
But now, after all that, you are	already back in charge, thanks to a very successful popular SuperBowl ad.
(How did you conquer?)	Try "The World Is MINE!" MEME to find out!

Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

Your Stripper Info by radioface
first name
age
Stripper Name:	Petty Page
Specialty:	pole-grinding
Customers say:	"Can i pretend yer my gf?"

Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

Your Suicide.. by Konstantine
Your Name/Username
Favorite Number?
Favorite Color?
Gender?
How will you commit suicide?	You will stab a knife through your heart
How many tries will it take?	93
When will you commit suicide?	October 2, 2050
What will your suicide note say?	I wish there was another way ..

Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

Get to know the REAL you by crash_and_burn
Your Name
You Are A:	Poet
Your Favorite Band/Song	Coldplay - Yellow
You Like To Read:	Everything
You Firmly Believe In:	Sex at first sight
Everyone Thinks You Are:	OMG WAY HOTT LOLZ
You Were Conceived:	Underwater
You Will Marry:	Britney Spears

Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

Whats does your personality rate from 1-10? by morning_prayer
Your first full name
Your personality rates a	seven (you rock)
your best quality is	youre unique and you rock!
your worst quality is	you deserve better
this is because	of who you are inside

Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

What Makes You Sexy? by eva71
Name/NickName
Gender
Sexy Body Part Is	Your Boobs
Special Talents Are	Showing off

Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

Your True Nature by llScorpiusll
Username
The quality that most appeals to you:	Beauty
In a survival situation, you:	Run like hell
Your hidden talent is:	Seeing the best in others
Your gift is:	Genius
In groups, you:	Are the center of attention
Your best quality is:	Your creativity
Your weakness is:	Being unforgiving

Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

I am shit....who can't be trusted

Sat, 05 Jun 2004 21:27:55 GMT

It's funny...it's really funny. You think you have changed, and then a situation arises and you realize you aren't any different. You are the same fucking piece of shit asshole you were a year ago...I probably should tell you what the fuck is going on...

You see last night I went to an aracade of sorts to hang out with some of my parent's freinds at an arcade of sorts. Anyway met this chick with the same taste in music and shit as me. Good stuff. Played pool for a bit, kicked ass but still lost. *shrugs* Was watched a lot by one of this chick's friends (George was his name). Soon found out that he was a interested. Played more arcade games. He showed up and was talking to my newly found friend. Saw that he smoked, and bummed one off of him. Was about to light the fuck when family showed it. He called me a pussy, more joking than anything, but still in a way to start something. So I let him. :D He called me his jail-bait, and I laughed. My sister came up, and George was talking to her and asked for a hug so I gave him one. Odd...(the hug was.) Anyway. I sent my sister and my new friend outside to get my parent, so we could leave. But as they started leaving George's best friend and friend's younger sister showed up. Sister asked for his smokes, George told her no because she was a minor. Then my sister and my friend left to get my parent. And I asked George for the rest of the one that he was smoking. He gave it to me, thanked him, and left.

In the car on the way home I realized that I had sunk back into what I use to be...and I did not like know that. :-/ I know my boyfriend will read this, but I don't know if he will get what I was talking about. I hope he reads this before I talk to him next. I am turning back into shit. FUCK I HATE THIS...

A compilement of Jumbled Thoughts...

Fri, 28 May 2004 06:07:42 GMT

This is for all of those who are worried and need to know what the fuck is wrong with me. But I warn you, this probably won't be the most coherent thing you've read...

My mom has been talking about moving back to where she is originally from to be with family, because she won't leave her mother alone if her father dies. I'm happy about the opportunity of moving, sad for the reason, and hate the thought of leaving the best person in the world to me. I do however find it necessary for me to be in a new place to figure out who I really am. My mom and I still need to have a "chat" but she seems to be getting sick, really really sick, and I'm not sure if she'll be her stubborn self and persist on nothing being wrong. (Must do laundry.) Anyway, all of this is a big mixture of happiness and regret as well as the feeling of me stabbing people in the back for wanting to leave. There will be people that I miss, Ash and my demon fairy friend, and of course my love. But for some odd reason I don't feel like I'd be sad leaving the place I was more or less brought up in. I can't wait to get out, the sooner the better, and this seems like a perfect way. I am almost hoping that this tragedy happens just so I can be in Florida with *My* family for once, and hopefully away from a duck... But that's not important, all of this is something that isn't going to happen soon. But there is something that will that was brought to my attention, once again last night, when my friend stayed over.

It was interesting, we were sitting talking, smoking(jk), fucking around and shit, when my ex was mentioned. We started talking and a lot of shit came out that I didn't even know that I was thinking but now that I think of it, I really did subconsciously. I've always believed in soul mates and I've always believed in true love(and they are not necessarily the same thing) and I also I believe I have found both, my boyfriend=true love, and my ex=soul mate. I'm not so sure why I think that my ex is this. Because he doesn't deserve it. But I do still care about him, and would care for him if he were here(he will be soon, *shudders* scared), and I still love the fucker, I don't love him like I love my BF(besides, I'm completely in love with my boyfriend and if writing this fucks up the relationship I have with him now I don't know what I'd do-I hope I'm not making some big terrible mistake) and I never did, nor will I ever. But I still love him none the less. I love all my friend to some degree, just him more than others. And I'm not so sure why. [All this is *I THINK I...HIM* mind you]Which is why if he comes back, I need to talk to just him, the answers I need and are the answers to those thoughts. I want to know why the fuck he said what he did, if he still cares for me, if I am still a friend, if he still has deeper than friendly feelings for me, why did he do the shit he did, and why he refuses to drop his thoughts of dieing before he is thirty, and I need closure... A lot of it.

I'm sorry, I really am, but I don't know what else the fuck to do. I do know this, no matter what happens my feelings for my love will NEVER change. No matter what happens this summer, or any other time. I love him with all of my heart and have since I first met him. (He doesn't know that though)

There just so much more shit that I need to put, but for fear of someone who knows me finding this and knowing that this is really me. I can't put much in here. Even though this seems like a hell of a lot of stuff. I'm not really worried for my self, I haven't told my BF about any of this because I guess I am afraid to know his reactions to these thoughts. I told my friend last night what I should do about them [thoughts], whether i should tell him or not, and she said that this was a hard question. I told her I was just probably going to take the chicken way out of this mess and put it all in here. She laughed and said it may be the best, because here, I can't be interrupted, my thoughts shut off, nor do I have to worry about the facial expressions of those who read this. Which is why I write more of what I feel and think, rather than actually say it. Yes I do close my self off, no I don't do out of lack of trust for you, but my lack of trust in me. I'm afraid my mind would go blank, I'd break down, I'd freeze up, I'd make excuses. I won't lie to you. I fake being this brave, strong person. I'm really not. (Or I don't think I am) So what I've been through things, so what I've seen things, none of it matters, I'm still not strong. I hate life, I would much rather cower in a corner. I don't fear death, I can't fear death, I fear emotions...I always have and I'm not sure why. Nor do I know what I fear about the emotions. But all of this could explain why I am so indifferent on everything. Not low self-esteem or low self-worth, just fear of emotions, because emotions are a sign of weakness, and that I cannot have....

I just keep ramblilng and eventually this won't make any sense, and my wrist is starting to hurt, but this is one of the few times you will get shit out of me, so if you wont' to sift through all of the repetitive garbage and read go for it. I'm not even sure what else I am going to write, I Have written all I intended on writing, and then some. I wish I had the opportunity to call my BF and tell him to read this BS. Then maybe I could sleep well tonight. *shrugs* I'll tell him tomorrow morning when I wake him up.

Damn I still have to do laundry...

Bye

Fri, 28 May 2004 01:37:23 GMT

D	Dramatic
I	Innocent
S	Square
T	Tender
U	Unreal
R	Raw
B	Bouncy
E	Explosive
D	Devious
_
A	Ambitious
N	Naughty
G	Graceful
E	Enchanting
L	Legendary
S	Sultry

Name Acronym Generator
From Go-Quiz.com

Which internet subculture do I belong to? [CLICK]
	You are a Trekkie!
It's a geek, Jim! You probably have a starfleet uniform and a tricorder. Bonus points if you speak klingon. One day you will walk down the aisle with your buttertroll trekkie partner, humming to the Yoyager theme.
More Quizzes at Go-Quiz.com

>
WARNING

disturbedangels is radioactive. Wear protective clothing at all times.

From Go-Quiz.com

Am I cool or uncool? [CLICK]

You are Super-Cool!

Woah! Step back - the future's so bright for you it's blinding me! You are the coolest of the cool. Everyone looks up to you as the benchmark for being coooool. The fonze was your grandfather. Any cooler and you'd freeze! WOO it's chilly in here.

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